Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?