Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.