Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]