Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

Ion see the issue

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home