Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Name another movie that mislead you?

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

the zen of frog

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.