[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Is no shave November just for men?
Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“My new boyfriend who?
“My future husband who?”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]