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[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*


Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.


Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.


Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe


ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.


THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.


“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”


“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”


“Playing hard to get who?”


I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.


him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]