Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My kid and his friend were super excited because they made a cake in Minecraft and I got the NASTIEST look when I told them they could do that in real life and actually eat it.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so