Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I need this for my side hustle.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
🤔😂😂
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*