Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m Sold!
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
