Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

every. time.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*