Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead