Ugh
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Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
dream blunt rotation
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”