Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

emergency phone

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy