Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids