Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

Employees must applaud the planets.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Ironic

Everything reminds me of my ex

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass