Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
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My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
He-man has a Masters degree
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no