Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
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All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
#TopTip
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
christening a ship with an overripe banana
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.