Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
wut hotdog?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)