People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”