@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

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@TheTweetOfGod

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

@mortimermaiden

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

@Social_Mime

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

@youvebeenskold

So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

@1evilidiot

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

@SuchaDumbWorld

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”