Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
This is my brand.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire