Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Y’all ready for this

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today