Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.