Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
no cat here
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.