Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
It be like that sometimes 😆
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.