Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents