Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.