Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
You Might Also Like
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
on da cob, we all corn
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd