Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

*performs CPR on the turkey*

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

What.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Are we there yet?…

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?