Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Facebook memories be like
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Somebody’s lying.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming