Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
#FunnyLife Insects
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight