Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
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Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB