Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
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[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
lol
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
So we got a goldfish…
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police