Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
