Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
dutch is not a serious language
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me buying fruit and veg
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Try and stop me.
