@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

You Might Also Like

@ohthatbadger

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

@daemonic3

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

@LaetPO

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.

@TeaAndCopy

My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

@abbygov

Once I told a man he looked like Jeff Goldblum & he was like “who’s that?” So i pulled up a pic &he said “oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome.” Then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me & was like “I’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is Jeff Goldblum”

@MarfSalvador

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge