Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
this is literally a CIA plant
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting