Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.


CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank


Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.


My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.


My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.


[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.


Once I told a man he looked like Jeff Goldblum & he was like “who’s that?” So i pulled up a pic &he said “oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome.” Then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me & was like “I’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is Jeff Goldblum”


Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge