Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
you gotta be faster
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Shower sex be like:
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.