Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
You Might Also Like
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said