Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!