Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Namaste
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
