Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.