Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Dune (2021)
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.