Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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My last name is Zilla.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
What a website
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My favorite farside!!
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.