Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.