Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome