Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed