Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Important reminders

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.