Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

The human personality is made of five key elements

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.