Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
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My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
He just like my cat fr