Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
thinking about this
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.