Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.