Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.