Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Cannot stop laughing at this

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling