Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to find Kentucky on a map

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.