Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Breaking news:

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

Important reminders

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

are there any atheist mantises?

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.