Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
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Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round