Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Story of my life…..

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.