Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
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Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch