Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.