Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
#JohnTravolta
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.