Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
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You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
ugh not again
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Phones down.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.