Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
sugar glider wrangler
