Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.