Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

Never forget.

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.