Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time