-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
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*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
LA today:
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?