Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade