“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.