“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4