Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.