@bossy_bootz

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

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@Lisabug74

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

@GianDoh

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

@DebraMuffin

Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

@Bob_Heller

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@PoodleSnarf

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

@Writepop

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

@alisonforns

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo