Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
prepare for carbonated trouble
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.