10 signs that he’s just not that into you
10. He is a cat.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo