Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
😂 amazing answer
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
No.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes