Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
You Might Also Like
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.