“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
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Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.