“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.