Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
How does someone manage that 🤨
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.