Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
couldn’t resist
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
inventing words: clothing
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.