Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Doggies just call it style.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”